Why Do We Place People On Pedestals?
By Kaylee Chou
We are all familiar with the experience of developing crushes or “special someone” consist of stomach fluttering and butterflies. Worst of all, our brains spiral into a mix of delusion, euphoria and sometimes even insanity: Should I text first? I wonder what they’re doing at this exact moment? Are they thinking about me? Essentially, everything that seemed like “no big deal” before, turns into a big big deal. Anything said and done suddenly holds huge power over us,, invading our heads and taking control of every thought we have, and every move we make. More importantly, our minds begin to create unrealistic expectations of this person. We imagine scenarios with them, words they might say to us or acts of service they may give to us. We put them on a pedestal.
The minute we put a person on a pedestal, we create a distance between ourselves and them.
The feelings we develop when we have a connection so deep and intimate with another person clouds and distorts our judgment of the reality of who they really are. Finding the positive qualities in a person is great, but once we start to idealize them, we lose sight of the fact that they are human, and are prone to have flaws and make mistakes. This can be an incredibly dangerous mindset to fall into as when we idealize someone, everything they do and say is considered “right.” Idealization has led us to believe that they can do no wrong because they are “perfect.” Having this mindset in a relationship can cause you as an individual to ignore the needs and wants of your life, and instead, hyper focus on your partner.
On the other hand, the person that is placed on this pedestal also struggles to meet and succeed expectations, as well.
They may put themselves in uncomfortable or unfamiliar situations in order to satisfy you. Our mind ignores the red flags they have and simply looks towards their potential– the false potential that you have constructed in your mind. Though common in romantic relationships, it can also happen between family, friends and co-workers. For example, think of when parents put pressure on their children to get straight A’s at school. Some children may sacrifice time from their social life and dedicate it to constant studying. They feel a responsibility to get these grades, as if they “owe” it to their parents. Instead of studying because they genuinely want to learn, they are studying for their parents.
As we can see, putting someone on a pedestal is not only harmful to us, but can cause problems for the other person as well. So, why do we do this?
Explained by Sylvia Salow, a spiritual life coach, speaker and author, the driving force behind putting people on pedestals emerges from our egos.
As said before, idealization of a person often happens when we develop a strong, loving connection with them. However, when we idealize a person, our minds begin looking for reasons for why they are so special, leading us to spiral and create false narratives of them in our heads. In fact, placing a person on a pedestal raises our own egos. Oftentimes, we place a person on a pedestal to elevate our own egos– to feel special about ourselves. The issue, however, is that this idealization causes us to believe that we will never be able to “catch up” to this other person: our minds will always perceive ourselves as lesser than.
Quite honestly, it’s not easy to take someone off a pedestal. Afterall, we’d all like to believe the best about a person, especially when we have a special connection with them.
Seeing that idealization can cause so much damage to both parties in a relationship, it’s important to learn tactics that will prevent you from doing it. There’s no one right way to do it, and it can take a long time to truly master it, but one strategy you can implement is self reflection. Truly look at the facts of the situation, separating what your mind is telling you versus the reality of what’s actually happening. Personally, I have found it beneficial to speak to a trusted third party perspective on a person or situation when in doubt. After explaining the chain of events to them, ask them what their perspective is. Hearing what their opinions are can be helpful being that they see the situation as it is, not through the rose colored glasses you may be wearing. The most important thing to do is to be honest with yourself, and give yourself the appropriate space and time to do so.
Sources:
Putting People On A Pedestal - Evolution Counseling
Why It's Unhealthy to Put Someone on a Pedestal - Exploring Your Mind