The Dangers of Absent Parenting

By Mattingly Zullo

“Affection without any limitations, or love without conditions.”

Eight words that attempt to captivate a wide concept that shapes us as a society, hurts us in absence and loves us in times of utter darkness. Unconditional love. Love with no compensation. Compassion. Love that allows us to tear our own walls down and find acceptance on the other side. Constant, endless, eternal.

Our lives are structured in a way that is socially acceptable. You are born. You go to school in order to acquire good grades. You continue your education in a big university. You marry, but not too soon, and certainly not too late. You have a family. You put in long hours of work and retire far down the line. In looking at each of these phases through our lives, we find that they encompass unconditional love from our first breath. Our mothers are typically our first form of touch, followed by our fathers. Their touch serves as our first form of connection to the world we have just become a part of. Their voices serve as our first source of interaction. Their love serves as our first “unconditional.” Unconditional love. Constant? Endless? Eternal? Maybe so, but maybe not.

Different Types of Absent Parents

While it's common to think of an absent parent as a parent who has abandoned their child, this isn't always the case. An absent person might be in an unknown location. They might be in another city, state, or country.

It is the absent parent who eats at the same dinner table with their children who is typically overlooked. This is the absent parent whose home is also your home, whose room sits just at the end of the hallway, but whose life is loosely intertwined with those whom they once created.

Both types of missing parents are painful. In most situations, children develop the erroneous belief that they are unlovable. The perception that they are not good enough or that the reason for their parents' betrayal stems from their failure to be ideal children. In actuality, absent parents seldom abandon their children with the intention of harming them. They use absence as a means of avoiding accountability. This might be the responsibility of being a spouse, being a breadwinner, or, in certain situations, simply staying sober.

Child Development

Elsa and Cinderella. Jasmine. Snow White. Belle. The first storylines that are usually introduced to the lives of young females. Beyond elegant dresses, evil stepmothers, and sheer bravery, they have a lot in common, including at least one absent parent. Despite Elsa’s tragic loss of both of her parents, she becomes a strong, independent young woman. Despite Rapunzel’s tragic loss of parents, she somehow grows to be a well rounded individual. What have we failed to acknowledge? Perhaps the idea that while the absence of love from a parent can exacerbate your desire for success, there is a tremendous amount of hurt that comes with the acceptance, grieving, and healing process.

Here are some of the major effects:

Diminished self-concept → “If my mother/father couldn’t love me, then how is someone else supposed to?” A question no child would wish upon another. Losing the one person who was supposed to keep you here safely, comfortably, and caringly, unfortunately describes a great percentage of the population. Over 18.9 million live without a father before incorporating those living without a mother, or those without either. Meaning, over 18.9 million may be asking themselves this very question.
Behavioral problems → Many establish a confident, intimidating attitude in an attempt to hide their underlying insecurities and resentments. With this persona comes its own set of problems. Lying to yourself in order to compensate for the image someone destroyed by leaving is simply a defense mechanism for the heart. However, this false confidence can present itself by way of misbehavior.
Poor academic performance → 71 percent of high school dropouts live without at least one parental figure in the home. While low academic achievement cannot be blamed entirely on an absent parent, there is a clear link between the two. Students may not feel deserving of a diploma if they do not have support at home, nor the pressures of school weighing on them at home.
Promiscuity and teen pregnancy → Fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with sexual health, including a greater likelihood of having intercourse before the age of sixteen, foregoing contraception during first intercourse, becoming teenage parents, and contracting sexually transmitted infection; girls manifest an object hunger for males, and in experiencing the emotional loss of their fathers egocentrically as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men.
Drug and alcohol abuse → Most of the time, an absent parent does not leave closure to a relationship that they may have barely begun. As humans, we crave closure. We like having answers. Unfortunately, in instances of loss, those solutions may not be available, and many people turn to drugs and alcohol to fill the void that was left behind in their absence.
Abuse and emotional maltreatment → A recent study found that preschoolers who do not live with both of their biological parents are 40 times more likely to be sexually abused, with a one hundred times higher chance of fatal abuse. Children must establish their own definitions of what constitutes healthy relationships and interactions as they get older. If you're exposed to toxic connections while you're young, those interactions will become the "norm," and can result in dangerous outcomes later in life.
Future relationships → Having an absent parent can have a subconscious impact on every relationship a person forms throughout their life. Without praise and encouragement, a person will lose trust in their ability to sustain healthy relationships. In certain circumstances, those people may still be attempting to figure out what defines a healthy relationship.

Breaking the Cycle

Living with an absent parent does not have to imply that your life will be dreary. Having a parent who isn't there can be beneficial. It has the potential to make a person stronger. Just as strong as Cinderella and Belle and Jasmine and Snow White and Elsa and Anna and every single princess that a young girl once wished to be. Yes, I am saying that every child who has been given the challenge of navigating life without a parent has the potential to be just as successful as the princesses to whom they previously looked for a sense of value, direction, and courage. All they have to do now is break the cycle, and this will look different for everyone.

A Note To Every Child With An Absent Parent

I am in no way an expert on absent parents, nor do I believe anyone can be. However, as a sixteen-year-old girl living with a single father and attempting to form a connection with an unpredictable mother, I'd like to offer you all a discussion that I wish I could have had. Thankfully, GenZHER has provided me with a larger platform on which to voice these difficult conversations.

There is no such thing as a linear path to healing, particularly when it comes to healing from other human beings. Our parents may change their minds and return in the future, or they may choose to remain absent for the remainder of our life. Curiosity is a natural emotion. Anger, sadness, and defeat are all natural emotions. I hope that one day we'll be able to make it natural to be motivated in times of anger, defeat, sadness, and curiosity.

As individuals, we all share some sort of bond that links us together. Even if your mother or father is not physically there, there is a bond between you and them. When our parents select a course in life that we do not appear in, the connection between us and our parents remains; it just simply isn't visible. We will never be able to erase our sentiments as a result of that bond, no matter how hard we attempt to hide behind a mask of confidence.

It's okay to be unsure about the type of connection you want to have with an absent parent if you want one at all. It's okay to feel grief that we would never have inflicted on ourselves. It's okay to change your mind about approaching difficult situations involving an absent parent. It is ok to keep it in, and it is ok to share it with whomever you choose. All of it is okay as long as you choose a path towards progress. Prove them wrong. Let their absence be your drive. Let their absence be your success. Let their absence say more about who they are than about who you are.